Recalling the Cold Christmas

I wrote this four years ago and sent to my friends as a Christmas message...

"There are no blue Christmases, only blue people."

December 24: It was freezing cold. The temperature dropped to it's lowest that year. For the first time in nine years, Salt Lake had it's White Christmas wish come true once again. It was the first for me.

Across my window, the pouring snow softly covered everything. The air was still, unscathed like my bed prepared that day by Juana Rosa. As the black ice waited for it's ambush victims, the green bushes reached out unwillingly for its fate. Starting that day, they'd be caressed by snow instead of light.

Along with the once dull houses, ponds and pine trees, the mountain crests proudly stood from afar boasting it's resurfaced beauty hidden only 'till winter time.

It was my first Christmas away from home.

Two fifteenish, yet it looked like it was already six outside. The TV has been muted for a while, so was my radio-alarm. The heater was up (thank God) and the lamp at my study table kept my room lit and comfy.

I was lying in bed with my usual one-month-old-unwashed-pajama and sweatshirt, playing with my weather-beaten and well-travelled pilot pen. My journal laid flat on my lap, facing me, pleading me to write something.

But I could barely move my fingers, it was my first Christmas away from home!


It felt so cold and it made my bones shiver endlessly. Made my ears hurt, turned my nose red, and shrivelled my heart. That day Christmas drilled a hole in my soul. I felt so guilty, alone and sorry for my self.

I thought, I should have stuffed my self with tons of puto bumbong and my favorite bibingka back home last Christmas. I should have ventured traffic, waited patiently in those long lines, or fought my way at the MRT. I should have even tried to attend atleast one of the nine Misa de Gallos. I should have gone out as a crazy Santa for my crazy nieces and nephews.

Simply put, I should have enjoyed Christmas last time and not whine over the rush, the insane traffic, and the low Christmas bonus. I was too stubborn!

It was my first Christmas away from home, it was the day I realized how much I have loss, and how much I was lost. It dawned to me how much I value those might-have-been Christmas memories, even those little and crazy things.

I was stuck in a room by snow, in a far away country where Holloween was considered more fun and exciting. With the knee-deep snow outside, there wasn't anything to do but hibernate and painfully watch the most anticipated season for all Christians pass me by.

You know what I did? It was my first Christmas away from home and
didn't waste my time by lingering. I called home. I called my family and friends. I told them how I missed them. I told them how I missed paskong pinoy. And that no matter what most pinoys say against this season, nothing will ever compare with families and friends celebrating Christmas together.

The calls I made cost me more or less a hundered bucks, but it was all worth it. Hearing their voices and us laughing together warmth my heart in the midst of that far away cold place.

Blank

unable to think...
been staring at a blank facade
lost in syntaxes for hours,
still to find any meaning

and i - aimlessly
looking at the crosshairs
throath - straining,
feeling guilty yet can't do anything

fighting steadily
closing eyes
and uncontrollably,
dragging the mouse

lazily typing my life away...

Striking Out

The first
... was a shock
The second
... was a loss
but on a third time?
... it seems unbearable!

Seeing some things you have learned to love and appreciate and then losing it in the end is hard to face. Fate seems to be playing with you and you can't seem to do anything about it, but to go along and swim with the current. Living life, I guess is just like that.

But, there's more to this life, I know. More than just tryin' to make it through the day. In the morning light when it looks just the same, maybe God would want to tell me that life just goes on... and that no matter how much I worry, it would just be pointless..

You Wanted More (Tonic)

Love is tragic
Love is bold
You will always do what you are told

Love is hard
Love is strong
You will never say that you were wrong

I dont know when I got bitter
Love is sure better when it's gone
Because you wanted more
More than I could give
More than I could handle
And a life that I can't live
You wanted more
More than I could bare
More than I could offer
And a love that isn't there

Love is color
Love is love
Love is never saying you're too proud

Love is trusting
Love is honest
Love is not a hand that holds you down

I dont know when I got bitter
Love is surely better when it's gone
Because you wanted more
More than I could handle
And a life that I can't live

You wanted more
More than I could bare
More than I could offer
And a love that isn't there

I gotta pick me up when I am down
I gotta get my feet back on the ground

Lightning Strikes!

No Lightning strikes twice at the same place.

A Photo-A-Day keeps the doctors away!

Lately I came to realize that capturing images compensates what I can't capture on writing. The medium though different, for me is still somehow the same. For both capture emotions. In writing these emotions fills the letters, in images it's the colors and the stillness. Both elicit questions and wonders. I guess, truly anything as long as it comes from the heart, is nothing but beautiful.

A Photo-A-Day keeps the doctors away!

life is but a series of moments

LIFE, they say is but a series of moments...
beginnings - although oftentimes bring fear
hope floats with the promise of new friendships

shared joys eases heavy burdens
and laughter clears all doubts
problems come lighter
complicated life gone simpler

no matter where life leads us
cherish every moment
the pains and sacrifices
the anxieties and complexities

the joys
the love
and the hope

these are the moments
intertwined
woven threads
of our lives...


which makes us
unique..
special..
and
someone better than before...

so strive..
to learn
to dream
to find comfort in small things...

to be glad
for we are
young
and
still have a lifetime
of
moments
to weave...

lonely ayala

they say,

you could be on the top of the highest mountain almost touching the clouds, yet you're still at the lowest...

that you could be in a big dome jampacked along with thousands of people cheering, yet you still feel weeping...

that you are on the most beautiful adventure of your life, yet none of these matter to you...

i say,

what makes life worth living, is to have someone cherish it with you....