Completely

what can i do to take this moment and make it last forever?
i know it's been said many times, many ways
but it never come from a deeper place
for every minute of this lifetime i am breathing
until there's nothing in this world i can't believe in
as long as there's a single part of you that needs me
i know i am gonna love you,
completely...

Stands Out

On a one sunny day,
In a flower-strewn pathway I walked...
Succumbed to the thought -
of finding nothing new
in the now common faces.
Until I saw her - T'is flower,
her beauty and color radiated
She stands out amongst the rest
Just like you...
Just like you...

All This Time (A Start and and End)

This song I wrote on March 6, 1998. I still can't believe that it took eight years to finally have the courage to end it. This is a song of loving ... and not loving. Of hoping ... and not hoping. For this is a song of a start and an end.

If there's one thing in my life Im sure
(Is) that there's something I just can't let go
(The) Warmth of your hands, sparkling eyes,
(and the) wind passing through your hair that night...

If I can't give this heart to you
(and) if I have to live this life without you
If I can't just let you know that's true
(That) a part of me, waiting...
Loves you still.

I've wondered how'd it feel you kiss
I've wondered how'd it feel (you) touching my cheeks
(And) my arms around you, caressing you,
Kissing you, holding you

If I can't give this heart to you
(and) if I have to live this life without you
If I can't just let you know that's true
(That) a part of me, loves you still
All this time

Still a part of me, waiting...
All this time, loving you.

Loving you....

Empty Chair

When love is lost, all that's left is an empty chair...

Recalling the Cold Christmas

I wrote this four years ago and sent to my friends as a Christmas message...

"There are no blue Christmases, only blue people."

December 24: It was freezing cold. The temperature dropped to it's lowest that year. For the first time in nine years, Salt Lake had it's White Christmas wish come true once again. It was the first for me.

Across my window, the pouring snow softly covered everything. The air was still, unscathed like my bed prepared that day by Juana Rosa. As the black ice waited for it's ambush victims, the green bushes reached out unwillingly for its fate. Starting that day, they'd be caressed by snow instead of light.

Along with the once dull houses, ponds and pine trees, the mountain crests proudly stood from afar boasting it's resurfaced beauty hidden only 'till winter time.

It was my first Christmas away from home.

Two fifteenish, yet it looked like it was already six outside. The TV has been muted for a while, so was my radio-alarm. The heater was up (thank God) and the lamp at my study table kept my room lit and comfy.

I was lying in bed with my usual one-month-old-unwashed-pajama and sweatshirt, playing with my weather-beaten and well-travelled pilot pen. My journal laid flat on my lap, facing me, pleading me to write something.

But I could barely move my fingers, it was my first Christmas away from home!


It felt so cold and it made my bones shiver endlessly. Made my ears hurt, turned my nose red, and shrivelled my heart. That day Christmas drilled a hole in my soul. I felt so guilty, alone and sorry for my self.

I thought, I should have stuffed my self with tons of puto bumbong and my favorite bibingka back home last Christmas. I should have ventured traffic, waited patiently in those long lines, or fought my way at the MRT. I should have even tried to attend atleast one of the nine Misa de Gallos. I should have gone out as a crazy Santa for my crazy nieces and nephews.

Simply put, I should have enjoyed Christmas last time and not whine over the rush, the insane traffic, and the low Christmas bonus. I was too stubborn!

It was my first Christmas away from home, it was the day I realized how much I have loss, and how much I was lost. It dawned to me how much I value those might-have-been Christmas memories, even those little and crazy things.

I was stuck in a room by snow, in a far away country where Holloween was considered more fun and exciting. With the knee-deep snow outside, there wasn't anything to do but hibernate and painfully watch the most anticipated season for all Christians pass me by.

You know what I did? It was my first Christmas away from home and
didn't waste my time by lingering. I called home. I called my family and friends. I told them how I missed them. I told them how I missed paskong pinoy. And that no matter what most pinoys say against this season, nothing will ever compare with families and friends celebrating Christmas together.

The calls I made cost me more or less a hundered bucks, but it was all worth it. Hearing their voices and us laughing together warmth my heart in the midst of that far away cold place.

Blank

unable to think...
been staring at a blank facade
lost in syntaxes for hours,
still to find any meaning

and i - aimlessly
looking at the crosshairs
throath - straining,
feeling guilty yet can't do anything

fighting steadily
closing eyes
and uncontrollably,
dragging the mouse

lazily typing my life away...

Striking Out

The first
... was a shock
The second
... was a loss
but on a third time?
... it seems unbearable!

Seeing some things you have learned to love and appreciate and then losing it in the end is hard to face. Fate seems to be playing with you and you can't seem to do anything about it, but to go along and swim with the current. Living life, I guess is just like that.

But, there's more to this life, I know. More than just tryin' to make it through the day. In the morning light when it looks just the same, maybe God would want to tell me that life just goes on... and that no matter how much I worry, it would just be pointless..